How we lose, how we win
by frenhu
Summary: JJ is around 6 months pregnant, left the BAU and moved to New Orleans. Established relationship with Will, however something kicks in and she finds herself back in Washington D.C, alone. Femslash.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: No, they are not mine…."Criminal Minds" belongs to CBS (unfortunately). Otherwise I would have given them a different storyline.

**Spoilers:**Up to Season 4.

**Authors Note:** Huge thanks for my beta _audiopineapple_. Maybe I should mention this is my first fanfic ever so feedback is always appreciated. Let me know if you like the story.

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It's all messed up. I'm standing in front of Garcia's door, wondering what I'm doing here at this late hour, in Washington instead of being in New Orleans with Will. Will...the baby...I'm a mess.

But I raise my hand and begin to knock on the door.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

I'm waiting, hearing steps coming closer...did I just hear laughter? I didn't even consider that Garcia might have company, it's Friday night after all. One more moment and the door is opening...

"JJ? Wow, what are you doing here?"

"Who is it Emily?" - says Garcia as she appears in front of me.

"JJ!! Gosh, how did you get here? Where's Will? Is the baby okay?" - she starts with the questions while she is hugging me at the same time. It's funny how she jumps from question to question but I'm not surprised. I am the one who is knocking at her door at 1am in the morning.

As we part from our hug I can see Emily is clearly confused as to why I'm here, alone, looking like a wreck. She is worried, that much I know, observation is one of my skills I took up at the BAU.

"It's a long story" - a weak smile crosses my face - "Will's probably in New Orleans and the baby is just fine, don't worry" I say as I unconsciously caress my belly. He will be a beautiful baby boy. "Can I come in?"

"Sure" says my long time friend and I catch a raised eyebrow as her and Emily's eyes meet. Emily grabs my bag without a word and I'm ushered inside.

"Sorry guys if I interrupted your movie night" - I can see popcorn, sodas and a DVD holder on the table. With a little bit of regret I remember back to our movie nights...finally, after really trying cases we would just rent several films, pop on the couch and watch them all night until we fall asleep. I don't know what to do so I just stand in the middle of the room. Sensing my edginess, Emily is the one who recovers the quickest.

"I, uh, should probably go anyway, it's really late and I will have an early day tomorrow. JJ, it's great to see you again, I hope everything is fine." She says it with so much sincerity that I'm taken aback. She's on the move and before Garcia can say anything she has her coat and is already at the door. The tech analyst strides to stand next to my other co-worker and after a quick goodbye - I'm sure I hear Emily saying she is pretty concerned and Garcia should call her when she knows something - she is out of the apartment.

Meanwhile I move to the kitchen bar and sit down on one of the chairs. I hear Garcia closing the door and walking up to me.

"Girl, now tell me everything, you look like you've just lost someone...oh my God, is it Will? Something happened to him? But you said he is fine in Orleans...What's the matter?" - I can really tell she is freaking out.

"Garcia, calm down! He is okay, happy in the South. I just...I…pff, I will just say it...I left him. I didn't know what to do. His baby is growing inside of me and all I could think of that I don't love him. I just couldn't go through with it. Couldn't pretend that I'm happy in that relationship. I...I don't want to be with him. I thought I could but I just can't...we had problems, he thought it's just the hormones but I knew what it was. So I told him, packed a few things and came back. Couldn't go to my empty apartment yet. I know I should have called first but I was...lost."

"No, no, don't you dare start explaining yourself, you've come to the right place! Are you sure it's not just the hormones or the nervousness because of the baby?"

"Yes. I couldn't think about anything but this. I know now for sure."

"Good, just checking." - says Garcia with a gentle smile on her lips. I know why I chose to come here. Besides being my best friend I know she always wants what's best for me.

Oh God, I'm so tired, drained. That must project on my face as well because, with one quick movement, Penelope goes to her bedroom and comes back, carrying a pillow and a blanket with her.

"You take the bedroom, I will sleep on the couch. No objections. I'm the Goddess of Everything and Anything, so I might just order you."

I must say, I can't argue with that.

"Although I'm not done with you yet, but more talk can wait till tomorrow. If you need anything you know where to find me."

"Thanks Garcia, I...we will talk tomorrow. Good night!" And with that I quietly go into my bedroom for the night. I just hope I can sleep.

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Next time I open my eyes the clock on the wall says it's 6:47 in the morning. So much for a restful sleep. I'm eavesdropping just for a few seconds but find no sign of an awake Garcia, and I'm not surprised. She can sleep through a bomb attack, that much is sure, and she needs her 8 hours beauty sleep anyway.

So I lie awake on the bed, trying to go to dreamland again but it's not happening. I'm constantly thinking back to the moment where Emily opened the door and I saw her smile and then her confusion at the same time. Of all people, she was the one I least expected to meet on my first night back in D.C. She was in her black pants, and a red blouse which fit at all the right places, emphasizing her perfect body. I was always mesmerized by her glow. No one would believe what that strong exterior hides. She can be seen as a rigid, determined FBI agent who just only cares about her job, but it's not even close to the truth. After a bit talking, she opens up and you can see all the wonderful things which make Emily Prentiss. I'm amazed by her sense of humour, empathy and sense of justice. The caring, protective side of her.

When she joined the team I could tell after 3 seconds that she would adjust quickly and we would hit it off immediately. I was not wrong. We - she, Garcia and I - often went out for drinks; started our Friday movie nights, whenever we had that time, shared many times talking about our last cases or just forgetting them - together. I should have known then. Should have known that all the subtle touching, lingering glances and playful banter would cost me one day. Should have known that Emily Prentiss, SSA Agent of the FBI, would be so burnt in my everyday life so that I could not easily get rid of her. Not that I wanted to, at least, not back then.

I knew what I was getting myself into, or at least I liked to think that way. My appreciation for the brunette had grown so fast that when I was alone in my apartment or in my office, I was often thinking about her, her stories, the moments we shared and I wanted to be with her. Just to be there, together, the presence of her always had a calming effect of me. She was always there, talking to me if that was what I needed or just sitting next to me in a completely comfortable silence. She knew what I needed, always.

Suddenly I hear a knock and I glance at the clock. 7:32am. What is Garcia doing up so early?

"Come in." - I say sleeply.

"Sorry to wake you but I just got called in, Hotch needs me for something for a few hours. Just wanted to let you know I will be heading out but you can stay as long as you want to. Food is in the fridge, you have my number, call me anytime. But when I'm back we will have that little conversation, okay?"

I sigh but with a little smile I say "Yeah, okay. See you in the afternoon." I know I sounded a bit weak and she sensed it immediately.

"Will you be okay? You really should eat something...you know, for both of you...will you take care of yourself?"

I know I gave her the right to worry but I just need a few more hours of sleep, a bit of breakfast and I will be okay so I assure her that's what I will do. She's a bit more relaxed after that and our Goddess of all Knowledge is on her way to Quantico once again.

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I get up just after 11am, sensing that Henry baby is vividly kicking my bladder so I start for the bathroom. God, I should really get myself together, I just can't recognize the woman facing back to me in the mirror.

First of all, I have to eat something, so after going through all the materials in the fridge I decide that scrambled eggs combined with orange juice will be life saving.

Throughout my meal I check my phone and the little envelope on the screen tells me that I have three new messages on my phone. I know Will has probably tried to reach me and I'm not mistaken, I hear him pleading me to go back and talk about 'our situation'. I know I can't deal with him right now, so I decide it is best that I call him back tomorrow. He has to wait a bit.

The second message is my beloved blonde friend checking in, saying she will be back at around 3pm and she is bringing her arsenal with her, meaning two big bowls of ice creams and tons of French fries. How I love this woman!

But the third message gets my undivided attention as I hear Emily's crystal clear voice. "Hey, it's me, Emily. You surprised me last night and truth be told I am a bit concerned about you, so I just wanted to let you know that I'm always available if you happen to be in a, you know, need-a-friend mood to talk to. No pressure at all but if you need anything and I mean anything I'm here." A long pause and then "It was indeed great to see you again...I...missed you. Uh, anyway, take care and call me."

I'm speechless. The feelings that I forced down so successfully are starting to come up all over again, bursting out and I can't stop them.

I missed her too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title**: How we lose, how we win

**Author:** _frenhu  
_**Fandom**: Criminal Minds  
**Pairing**: Emily Prentiss/Jennifer Jareau with a bit of JJ/Will relationship  
**Rating:** PG  
**Disclaimer**: No, they are not mine…."Criminal Minds" belongs to CBS (unfortunately). Otherwise I would have given them a different storyline and would get rid of Paget Brewster's bang.

**Spoilers: **Up to Season 4.

**Summary: **JJ is around 6 months pregnant, leaved the BAU and moved to New Orleans. Established relationship with Will, however something kicks in and she finds herself back in Washington D.C.  
**Authors Note:** Huge thanks for my beta, _audiopineapple_.  
**A/N 2:** Feedbacks and comments are appreciated!

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

I hear keys jingling in the door, warning me that Penelope has arrived home and I have to talk to her. I'm actually looking forward to it, because keeping inside all these feelings is extremely exhausting.

"Hey, Honey, I'm home!" – She says smirking and I stand there dumbfounded. "Ummm, sorry, I always wanted to try it out, you know, to know how it feels". – a wink in my direction says it all.

"Reeeaally funny Garcia! Now get your ass over here and give me my vanilla bomb right now!" – I order her and she strangely obeys. I'm good when I'm bossy.

"As you wish, my Lady! And now I get to hear the full story, right? You know, I had to cancel my 'date' with Derek so it should better be good!" – She teases me and I love her for that.

"Okay, okay, comfy couch, ice cream, French fries, lovely Penelope…all check. I might just start as well." – joking around is necessary for me because otherwise I would never start talking so I take a big sigh and I begin.

"I've never meant to do this. To leave a man who is in love with me, whose child is under my heart, who would do anything for me because he is just like that. I've never meant to lie to him for the first time when I told him that I want more than just a fling. I didn't know what I wanted at that time and I just went with the flow. I was careless, I think I just didn't want to deal with my feelings. And I ended up kissing him, being with him and finally getting pregnant by him. I wanted to believe that I could start a new life with him in New Orleans. I so wanted to believe that it could work out but I think all I had to do was to notice the signs. Because they were _everywhere_! The signs that clearly showed that it wouldn't work. Like why I have never given up my apartment here, in D.C.? Why I felt like I should be happy but I wasn't really? I was content, yes, settled even but something was missing. You know, when you know that something is just not right and you try so hard to figure it out and you just can't, so you go on with your everyday life until it hits you. It _hits you_ that you are not happy because you don't love him. You can't be in New Orleans because it's not your home and you could never call it a home. You can't abandon your friends, your job which was your life. And you realize that if you would be with the right person all of these things wouldn't matter. But he is not the right one. And you start to go crazy about these facts, every moment in every day you try to figure out what to do next. Or if you should do anything about it at all because he is there, loving you, both of you, building a home for you and he is so harmless, easy that it seems you can't break his heart.  
But you have to think about your happiness as well, your happiness of your child, and you know that your family would never be a whole, loving one. So you have to be selfish, you have to do what's best for you, even if it means another person is getting hurt. Because you can't sacrifice yourself, you just can't. Your life is too precious to waste it…so suddenly you find yourself going back to your old life and it fills you with so much relief that you feel remorse about what you've done but at the same time you know you did the right thing and you are crushing."

I can understand Garcia's blank face because I would look the same if someone would pour her heart out like that in three minutes. I wonder if I have to snap my fingers just to bring her back.,,I will wait one more minute…

"I…JJ, you never told me these things, these feelings. Why didn't you tell me? I could have been there for you. I, uh, I didn't know…"

"I know, I've messed up big time. I wanted to talk about this but I was...afraid…because if I tell you all of these…it would have been suddenly…real. And I just couldn't deal with that, not then..." – and I mean all of these things and it really feels like a big stone has just dropped from my heart, although I can not get past the bitter feeling that I'm not telling Penelope the entire story….the story which is about a certain brunette and my mixed feelings for her…but I tell myself that one step at a time is enough for now.

"Oh, Sweety, come here! Everything will be alright! It will be just fine!" – now I'm shaking uncontrollably, but my friend is quickly taking me into a crushing hug which soothes me a bit and after a few moments, only quiet sobs can be heard.

Maybe I'm going to be okay.

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I spent the rest of the Saturday at Garcia's and then talked through the night with Will about our not working relationship. I told him what I earlier confessed to the computer wizard as well and made my point about not going back, in return, he said that he needs time to process all this and promised me that he would not ever give me up. Just what I need right now…

Anyway, I realize that eventually I have to go back to my apartment because even if it's great to be with Penelope, she has her own life and I have mine. So on Sunday morning I say my goodbye – with lots of promises that I will call her if I need someone to talk to or just hang out – and start the car which led me to my condo.

Now, as I'm standing in my abandoned home, I can't shake off the terrifying feeling about the future, about dealing with my pregnancy alone and being strong enough for everything that life could through in my direction. The world is suddenly spinning with me, the previous confidence at Garcia's is gone, I'm panicking and I don't know how I should continue my life…but something snaps in and I know I can't give up. I have one very strong reason why I should hold on and keep going, and this reason is painfully active again: my growing child.

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The next day I went out shopping for the house and myself, I seriously needed some new clothes – left most of my outfits in New Orleans – and the apartment required some well deserved decoration as well. Bunch of food, magazines, DVDs and I was all set to go home. Fortunately, I decided that I would keep my flat - just in case something happens and look how clever I was… - I left everything in one place so now the condo gives the impression of being a cozy home instead of what it looked like just a few hours earlier. After sending a quick text message to Garcia that I've settled in, I'm ready to relax on my couch for the night.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I remember is the sound of a knocking. Wait, knocking? Who could that be at this late hour? Penelope didn't say anything about visiting me and nobody knows I'm back except Will and Emily.

I look into the peephole and I let out a small sigh, relieved: Prentiss is standing in front of the door, take out in her hands.

"Hey JJ" – She says with a beaming smile and I grin back at her. "I know it's late, was just heading home from work, and Garcia mentioned earlier today, that you moved back to your apartment. I pondered on what I should do and decided to check on you, see if everything is okay and bring you your favourite Chinese food as a 'welcome back' meal. Uh, now I see you are okay, that's all I wanted to know, so I will just go and wish you a great…"

She is rambling. She is cute when she's rambling and I must say I'm a bit worried that she told me all of this with only one breath. I have to say something otherwise she will be in trouble soon.

"Emily, hey, slow down! Why don't you come in for a bit? I hope the food is enough for both of us because I'm sure as hell I won't eat alone!" – I say with a soft chuckling and usher her in. Once we are inside we make ourselves comfortable on the couch and start eating and making small talk. I didn't realize until now how hungry I was and, according to how fast she eats, I assume she skipped lunch today.

My baby is warning me about his existence again, kicking constantly and a pesky look must have appeared on my face because I hear her asking:

"What is it? Is something wrong?"

"No, just baby boy thinks my belly is a football ball right now, has been vividly kicking for a few minutes…here, feel it." – so without thinking I grab her hand and I take it on my stomach. In the process she needs to move closer and lean in a bit and that's the exact moment when everything stops and we just stare at each other. Tension fills the room and I don't know what's happening, all I feel is the warmth of her hand and the beautiful brown eyes locking with mine, and all the sudden I'm thirsty like I haven't drunk for days.

I'm bewitched by her intense look in which I see so much caring and…what is it? Pain and regret? The need to comfort her, touch her is unbearable so I lift my right hand to brush her hair behind her ear, then travel my fingers slowly down along her body, first to her shoulder, then to her arm and in the end, capturing her hand in mine, intertwining them, holding them dearly. It feels right, so right that I'm lost in the feeling and I don't want this to end but I hear Emily's annoying phone buzzing. As she reaches for her cell we move apart, lose all connection and I immediately miss the contact.

"Prentiss…yeah, it's on your desk. No, I think it can wait till tomorrow….yeah, yeah, 'night to you too and see you tomorrow." – She ends the call and starts to stand up. Unconsciously I mimic her movements.

"It's….I should be going, you need your rest and tomorrow will be a long day for me. Thanks for the dinner and the invitation." – We are almost at the door when I stop her by her wrist. I have to know what just happened.

"Hey, is everything alright?"

"Y-y-es, just lost track of time. I….this was nice, really. I hope baby boy will let you sleep tonight."

"Are we….okay?"

"Sure, why wouldn't we be?" – She answers as she lets out a big breath with it. I can see in her eyes that she felt _it _as well, at that moment, whatever that _'it'_ means. And she can't wait to be out of that door, to be somewhere else, rushing away from me. It hurts and I don't know why I want her to stay. However, I respect her that much that I give her the space she needs.

"Uh, okay then, have a safe way home. Goodnight!"

"Goodnight! Will talk!" – and with that she is gone.

I stand in the doorway for several moments after our retreat with a blank face wondering: what the fuck was that???

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	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: No, they are not mine…."Criminal Minds" belongs to CBS (unfortunately). Otherwise I would have given them a different storyline and would get rid of Paget Brewster's bang.

**Spoilers: **Up to Season 4.

**Summary: **JJ is around 6 months pregnant, leaved the BAU and moved to New Orleans. Established relationship with Will, however something kicks in and she finds herself back in Washington D.C.  
**Authors Note:** Huge thanks for my beta, _audiopineapple_.  
**A/N 2:** I had a hard time with Hotch's character, he is absolutely pain in the ass to write so don't expect too much. 

**A/N 3****: **Feedbacks and comments are welcome!

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During the night and most of the next day I kept thinking why I needed that kind of intimacy from Emily. Well, I had just left my child's father, came back to D.C. alone to an empty apartment and wanted some comfort, right? Then why did I need that comfort from _her_ when I could get the exact same thing from Garcia? Why did I want her attention, warmth and silent companionship? Why did I want her touch, telling me that everything will be okay? Why do I trust her that much?

Of course, we were friends even before I left. I thought of her as a loyal, passionate friend, who knew what's important in life and how to handle tough cases with as much sanity as one could. I told myself that our joking and light touches were simply an affection of deep understanding towards each other and that we had to lighten up the mood from time to time. Sometimes I would caught Prentiss look at me when she thought I didn't notice, other times she would say such things that I would believe she was flirting. I liked our times together, more than I'm willing to admit. We have never crossed any lines what friends wouldn't and she never implied anything more. She was just there every time that we needed each other.

But yesterday something changed, and I'm not so sure that it was as a new feeling for Emily as it was for me. I have to talk this out, so I dial the number for the first person that comes to my mind: Penelope.

"Well, well, I knew that you couldn't go through a day without my lovely voice! How are things, Missy?"

"You are a tease Garcia! As irresistible as you are, how could I miss a day?" – Two can play this game.

"Yeah, I've been told! What's up my very pregnant friend? How's baby boy? Misbehaving?"

"Not at all, actually he is quite quiet today, thank God!" – I laugh and then I pause…don't know how to bring up the subject…

"Hmmm, what's on your mind? Your silence tells me everything. Spill!"

Has she become a profiler in my absence or what??

"You know me too well, sometimes it's horrifying…ermmm, something happened yesterday. By the way, I heard that you talked to Emily about me being settled back?"

"Oh, that one, yeah, sorry, but we were really worried and it just slipped…wait a minute, Emily went there? And something happened?? No wonder why she was so distracted all day."

"She was?" – I don't recognize my own voice…gosh, get a grip!

"Yep, she didn't even mention that she stopped by your place. So? What is going on?"

"I don't know. I…she appeared in front of my door with Chinese takeout and I invited her in. We had a great time, joked around as always but then baby boy was kicking and I took her hand to my belly and then everything was like I'm in a different universe. I noticed her warm hand, her piercing, sharp eyes and…" – God, I'm ranting…

"What??? Are you telling me what I think you are telling me? "

"Ah, yes, Garcia, yes. I don't know how it happened or why. I just know that I wanted her to…be there, focusing on me. I'm…she gets me, affects me in a way nobody ever did. Uh, I wanted her to care about me although I don't know if she is even open to…this, to _me_. But I saw something there and I want know what it means. For both of us…" – I take a deep breath and wait for the tech's answer but it's not coming…"Hey, you still there?"

"…Umm, yes? I mean, yes! Good Lord, I've never seen this coming…I mean that you would finally get to this point. Wow, it took you what, 2 and a half years?"

"Garcia, what? Wait, what are you talking about?"

"Honey, I think I'm pretty obvious here! I've seen how you two always acted around each other like you have some secret thing going on that I would never understand…truth be told, I so wanted to talk to you or Emily about this because it was driving _me_ nuts! Finally!! Ah, congrats! Welcome to Realizations Town!"

I can't believe it. Penelope can freak me out, when she knows things even before I find them out myself.

"Listen, just talk to her. It doesn't have to be anything, but as you said earlier, you should find it out yourself. Do you really think you are ready for this?"

"I have to be, Garcia…I need to be."

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I haven't spoken to Emily since our last fiasco and I don't know how she will react to me again. However, I'm back in town and I was thinking about my previous position at the BAU because Hotch said that if I ever want to come back to the team, I am more than welcome. And I'm considering it.  
Of course, I have three more months till giving birth, and I need time after that, but I loved the job, the team, they were…_are_ my family.

And that's why I find myself in front of the FBI building in Quantico. Going up, looking through the glass door that separates the bullpen, I can see Reid, Morgan, Emily and even Garcia, talking, sharing information, probably about a case.

I can't describe the emotions that I'm feeling right now. I'm home. It's like I have never left, knowing that me, being here, is just right. Oh, how I missed this, them, my family. So I open the door, wondering what reaction I will get but I shouldn't have been worried, because the moment everyone notices me, smiles spread across their faces and they pull me into hugs.

""Hey JJ, what a nice surprise! What are you doing here? A bit of vacation before the baby is born? And how's New Orleans treating you?" – a grin on Derek's baby face, all smiley. I don't want to bring down his good mood so I tell him and the others just half of the story.

"Yeah, New Orleans is not so bad but I missed you guys. I thought we could grab dinner after work and catch up a bit? My treat!"

"Oooh, you are spoiling us here! Sure thing, I'm in, just tell me where and I will be there!" – he says and I hear everybody's acceptance to the invitation. As much as I want to stay with them here, I know I have to talk to Hotch too and time is the only thing that they are always short on.

As I give them the details about the restaurant, say my goodbyes for now, and start to walk to my ex-boss office, I give a slide glace to Emily. She has the perfect poker face, as always, I can't read anything off of it and it irritates me a bit. I want to know what she thinks, what goes through her mind, I need to understand her. I want to know how she feels about that night. This insecurity is killing me and I can not do anything about it right now. I hope after dinner, we will have some time to talk. I will make sure of it.

I'm almost at Aaron's office and during my steps I can feel the brunette FBI agent's intense look on my back. I hate it when she does this, avoiding eye contact face to face but not afraid to stare when you are not looking.  
Yes, I'm pretty sure we have to talk. Soon.

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"Jennifer! It's great to see you again! How are you?" – one of his rare smiles appear on his face and I feel more relaxed than a minute ago.

"Pregnant, that should tell you everything, I think." – I laugh and not waiting for his answer I continue with a more serious tone "Listen, I assume we both know why I came here today. I want to be back to the BAU after the birth."

He processes my information and replies "You know it will be harder as a parent, right? Days without coming back, long hours every day, responsibility…"

"Yes, I know that but I want to be part of the team again. I want to be back." – I emphasize it with a firm voice because I need him to understand.

"And how did Will react to this? What did he say?"

"We are separating…this is _my_ decision, _my_ problem to solve. I'm damn good at my job and you wouldn't find anyone as qualified as I am to do this."

"JJ, you've already proven yourself…I'm sorry about you and LaMontagne...I really wished it could work out for you."

"Well, yeah…mmm, I invited everyone to dinner tonight and it goes without saying that I expect you to see there too."

"Count me in…" a short pause – "I think that's it then."

"Yes, and…thank you." I start for the door but he interrupts me in my movement "Jennifer, it's good to have you back."

"It's good to be back, Hotch."

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As I walk out of the office, I'm surprised to see that the bullpen is nearly empty, probably everyone went out to get their lunches. I make my way to the elevator, get in and that's when I hear a shout.

"Hey, hold the door please!" – I would recognize this voice everywhere. She catches her breath as she realizes that it's me, gets in and pushes the button.

"Oh, hi…again…umm…everything went well with Hotch?" – she asks uneasily. I don't want this to be so awkward, I miss the times when it was so comfortable to be around each other.

"Yes, in fact, I want to announce my decision during dinner."

"Hmm…your decision? Which is?"

"That I'm coming back after the baby is born."

"Wow…I…it will be great to see you back again."

"Thanks..." – now we both stay silent but I still want to clear the air between us, so I start…

"JJ.."

"Emily…"

We start at the same time, smile a bit but then I pause and let her continue.

"JJ…listen, I'm sorry about the other night, I shouldn't have left so suddenly. Mmmm, do you have time after dinner? Or you already have something to do?"

"No, no, that would be fine. But you know I don't bite, right?" – a smirk crosses my face and she laughs.

"I know and I'm really sorry, I will make it up to you." – the elevator stops at her floor but before that, she raises her hand, slightly touches my arm for a moment and says "I'm looking forward to the night. Bye."

Those eyes. How can someone say something like this with those chocolate-brown, sad eyes? With that silken voice? How can she say so much with only a light, brief touch?

I'm so captivated by her that 'I want to find out. I want to know everything that is Emily Prentiss.

That much I know.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer**: No, they are not mine…."Criminal Minds" belongs to CBS (unfortunately). Otherwise I would have given them a different storyline and would get rid of Paget Brewster's bang.

**Spoilers: **Up to Season 4.

**Summary: **JJ is around 6 months pregnant, leaved the BAU and moved to New Orleans. Established relationship with Will, however something kicks in and she finds herself back in Washington D.C., alone.  
**Authors Note:** Huge thanks for my beta, _audiopineapple_. Also thanks for my muse, what could I do without you?  
**A/N 2:** It's a short chapter, I know, next chapter will be longer…maybe :)

**A/N 3****: **Feedbacks and comments are always welcome!

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The dinner is so enjoyable with everyone around here that I forget for a few minutes about my absurd situation. Everyone is so comforting, understanding, loving. I don't know how I deserved this but I will never ever let it go again. They are truly my family.

A few hours later, when we are about to leave and start to move outside, Emily excuses herself to the restroom.

As I put on my coat, I hear some woman from the other side of the place says loudly "Hey, Sweet Cherry, don't you try to take one more step!" and I wouldn't even pay attention to this but I see Prentiss suddenly stop and grin at the mysterious, tall blonde. Hmm, Sweet Cherry?? That's interesting…

"Oh my God, Zsófia!!! Is that you? I can't believe it! How long has it been? 12 years? You look fantastic! How are things back in Europe?" – they hug tightly.

"Emily, wow! I just arrived yesterday from the old continent…never thought I would run into an old….friend… I still can't believe this! Look at you, you are glowing! Well, well, I think you found your happiness here, so tell me, who makes you so happy?" I can see a wink on the blonde's face and I know in that instant that I don't like this woman.

I can't hear the rest of their conversation because they move a bit further away but their body language indicates that they are close…very close. I don't recall seeing Emily with anyone that close…hey, what was that? Why did the blonde raise her hand to brush Emily's hair behind her shoulder? Why did she touch her arm? Why…., oh, I realize just now: they were lovers.

The talking continues and I see them hugging again, this time a little longer than it would be necessary, they part and Emily's new friend hands over her business card. The brunette agent takes it elegantly and is on her way to the toilet again but when she is almost at the door, she looks back to the younger woman. And the blonde hasn't even taken her eyes off of Emily.

I must be seeing things. No, it can't be. I thought…I have to get out fast, I need to breath, need some fresh air. So I stumble through my way to the front of the restaurant where the team has already gathered up, puzzled looks stare into my face and all of a sudden I can't meet their gazes so I rest my eyes on the pavement. It is safe.

"JJ, you okay? You look flushed a bit." – a concerned Garcia asks…not so safe after all but I answer.

"Yeah, sure, I'm just completely full and tired. I should get home."

I answer with a rapid, uneasy jabber and I know she sees right through me but I'm grateful that she lets it go this time "Do you want me to take you home?"

"No, no, I will just wait for Emily, um, you go home." – a forced smile here, an agonizing look there…Who am I trying to kid anyway?

"Oookaay…you take care, right? Now, you Guys on the other hand…let's go because _this_ girl needs a little loving tonight, so please decide which one of you will be my partner in billiard…I'm gonna kick ass! And the loser is paying…" – she smiles wickedly, leading the boys to the car.

We said our goodbyes and after a few minutes they drove away, I felt someone standing behind me.

"Ow, where are the others?" – I turn around and try to hold my anger inside. Right now I just want to swallow Emily in half.

"I told them I'm a bit tired so we should call it a night. Shall we go?"

"Hmm…sure…where to?"

"To my apartment, if it's not a problem."

"Not at all." – we head for the car and the tension is so thick between us that I can almost touch it.

She doesn't know that I saw them.

I'm not even supposed to feel this way but I just can't stop myself. I feel like I've been betrayed and I know it's silly and not fair…I can't stop thinking about the other woman, jealousy rising heavily in my chest and I'm fuming inside, almost revealing my inner turmoil, although I know I must stay calm. Yeah, right, easier said than done with all these damn hormones…

During the drive we don't say a word and she must sense my 'don't-you-dare-talk-to-me-mood' because she doesn't even try to start a conversation. Pregnant woman with raging hormones? You better not mess with it…

When we arrive at my condo, I get out from the car silently, go to the door, unlock it and invite her in. In that moment, I see that the answering machine has a new message for me, so I start to listen to it in order to cool myself down but the voice just shakes me up even more because it's Will. The minute I hear his tone I slam the phone down and Emily snaps her head up, questioning me with her look.

I can't control myself anymore so the words come out of my mouth like gun-fire: "You couldn't have been more obvious at the restaurant. God, and I thought that we…oh God, I was so naïve."

"Jennifer, what - what do you mean?" – she asks blankly but it doesn't stop me to let out the steam.

"What do _I_ mean? Are you serious? You were the one who was all flirty with that blonde over there and I so stupidly thought that the other night….it meant something. Obviously it didn't and I was mistaken" – I'm pacing up and down as my nervousness and unfortunately, my pain gets the worst out of me – "I shouldn't have thought that maybe you felt that as well, that everything that happened last year and…"

"No, no, no, you can't do this. You just fucking can't do this!! You can't accuse me of anything because _you_ were the one who hooked up with the convenient, handy guy, the _good_ man. You were the one who got pregnant and married in the first place and then moved to New Orleans with, assumingly, the love of her life. You were the one. And you don't have the right to say anything at all because you left. You left and I fucking stayed. You found your man, settled down, got your ideal life with a husband.  
You were the one who wasn't here when my mother had a heart attack or when I needed someone the most. Because you chose otherwise. _You_. So don't you ever tell me what I should or should not do because it's not your goddamn business!"

"I….I…"

"Yeah, that's what I thought…well, I think we cleared that up just fine…pull yourself together JJ and leave my private life _alone_."

She says the last word with so much force that I flinch. She is totally right and I know that. _She_ knows that…I can't argue with her: I wasn't here, I simply ran away. I was afraid to face what was right in front of me, so I gave everything up, my life, my job, my team for….what exactly? For an idyllic life? For an illusion? I was so engrossed in my selfish little life I didn't even notice….but I do _now_. We are right here, in front of each other, in my apartment, just a few steps between us…I'm just as ready as I ever will be. I'm jobless, I'm pregnant, I abandoned a husband and a father. And have feelings for my colleague. The perfect moment.

So I step closer to her, our mouths are inches apart but she doesn't back away. Eyes on eyes, daring me, waiting for the first move…I don't care anymore: I lean in and I kiss her. It's just a short, light movement but I know I want more. When we part I hear her asking:

"What was that??"

"I don't know."

"What does this mean?"

"I don't know."

"D-d-do you want me to leave?"

"No…" – my heart pounds, my blood rushes through my body as she captures my mouth, claiming it like she has every right. We crush together again so hard I'm afraid we will shatter, break down into pieces. However, we don't fall, we don't tear apart despite the fact that my legs shake and my hands tremble…we explore each other... her delicate tongue dances with mine… I still don't know what this is but I don't want her to stop. She makes it so easy, I just want to be lost in that feeling…so with all the power I have left, I give in...


	5. Chapter 5: Final chapter

**Disclaimer**: No, they are not mine…."Criminal Minds" belongs to CBS (unfortunately). Otherwise I would have given them a different storyline and would get rid of Paget Brewster's bang.

**Spoilers: **Up to Season 4.

**Authors Note:** _Audiopineapple_, you rock!

**A/N 2:** I got to the conclusion that I had to finish this story. I have more stories in my mind, mainly one-shots so I hope you forgive me for this sudden - and short - end.

**A/N 3****: **Thanks everyone for all of your support, I couldn't have done it without you!!

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Somewhere between a half-awake, half-sleep state I hear my phone buzzing. Silence. Buzzing. Silence again…then buzzing.  
I decide that this has to stop so I open my eyes slowly, let them to adjust to the dim light shining through the window and see the phone's screen flashing on my nightstand. The clock says it's 8:01 in the morning, though it does not surprise me that my body refuses to act on my behalf because nowadays I usually don't get up until 10. Still, I grab the cell and look for an ID which says Penelope. I wonder why she is calling me at this time.

"Yeah, Penelope? What's the emergency?" – I groan, not at all pleased by the wake-up call.

"Oh, someone is grumpy this morning. Anyway, I just called because Emily is still not at work which is strange because she is always early and she doesn't pick up her phone either, so I figured I should ask you because you talked to her last night…..anyhow, any ideas where she could be?"

"Errrr…." – I try to put my brain into action again when I feel the sheets moving beside. I turn and I catch my breath at the sight: Emily is there, stirring, very close to waking up properly….last night…oh…oh. She suddenly opens her eyes, a bit disoriented at where she is but then she looks at me and smiles. A silent "Good Morning" is on her mouth and then she makes herself more comfortable in my bed.

Pure beauty. How could I miss that in the first place?

Then she takes a quick glace to the clock and immediately I hear her swearing, quickly moving out of bed and looking for her clothes.

Meanwhile I just stare at her with an open mouth, a small moan escaping but Penelope's voice snaps me back to reality.

"Sweetie, you there?"

"Yes, sorry, zoned out a bit. She crashed here yesterday, seems she overslept but now she is up so give her a few minutes and she will be on her way out." I say calmly and hang up the phone.

Now I'm fully awake, again looking at the brunette who is very aware of my intense look. I leave the bed, move closer to her, watch how she buttons her blouse…I blush at the memory of what those beautiful hands can do in certain situations…am I selfish to wish that she would stay a bit longer?

Her voice interrupts my inner musing - "Darn, I'm sooo late….ah, um, about last night…uh, what do we do now? What do you want?" – she asks nervously, obvious that she is terrified to get an answer.

"Well…" – I reach for her hand and look into her eyes – "I've been thinking about this…about us…and not just since yesterday but way beyond that…I…I want to give it a try, to see where it takes us. I want to find out what secret Emily Prentiss holds." – I crack a smile and she releases her breath what she's been holding.

"Good….good…uh, I…did you really just say that you want us to try? Because my hearing is kinda unreliable nowadays and I was so ready for an answer like 'it was a moment of weakness or you were here or I like you but not in that way'….God, are you sure? Because I want that too. I want to…be with you….unless you know, the baby, Will and everything…"

"No, no, don't worry about that. I will take care of Will. Honestly? I think that you are far more important to me than not to give it a go."

"Oh, okay."

"Okay." – I repeat and I seal our agreement with a gentle kiss. Her mouth feels like velvet on mine, once again getting lost in the feeling of Emily. She spaces out a bit but quickly collects herself.

"Oookaaay….huh, I really gotta run" – she starts for the exit, I walk her out but she stops before opening the door. Now it's her turn to hold my hand and look into my eyes "Dinner tonight?" – that husky voice will be my death one day, I'm sure.

"Absolutely, wouldn't miss it for the world." – she smiles as I respond to her and kisses me like it's the most natural thing on this planet. I'm not complaining though…

"Great. See you tonight!"

"See you!" – she is out and I'm melting away. My hands move to my belly, stroking it and wondering what the future might hold for us.

If it means Emily, me and baby boy, I'm definitely in.

Fin.


End file.
